I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Are we still banned from the library?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Randomize
