FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
