theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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