9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Randomize
