Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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