I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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