You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
