Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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