Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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