I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
