He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
