I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
