fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
