After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
