I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
