your parents love me but you hate me
You work out of a Hotel?
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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