Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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