I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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