i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
