just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
