Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
