She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
