They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
