So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
please come you make the beer taste better
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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