I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
