I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Randomize
