chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I have feelings that need drinking.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
