so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
