my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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