I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize