Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
