did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
