he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
