I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
