our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
