I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
