at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
