omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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