Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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