the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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