Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
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