maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
