I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
