My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
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