I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
