I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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