I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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