Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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