If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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