cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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