Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
