I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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