I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
